here are some dorms

that is my school behind all the pretty shit

i made it to new zealand: so i arrived in auckland and got driven 2 hours into hamilton. it was very pretty and the stars were unbelievable. i slept like shit on the planes that i rode for 16 hours, but i sleep like a baby in cars so i did that a little bit. he dropped me off at my place at 3 in the morning. he quickly tried to call them, but no one answered so we grabbed my bags out from the back and he left. the door was locked and no one was there. i thought i was going to have to just sleep on the front step, but i wondered around the complex and found some chinese kids who i couldnt understand watching soccer. they let me into this lounge area and we watched soccer. i was dead tired and i was unsure of whether or not i could just pass out there so i waited for them to finish their game. afterwards i still felt a bit weird about sleeping and it was already getting light out so i watched a bit of exit wounds with stevie segal and after it started to melt my brain i changed it to TCM (turner classic movies for the layman) and eventually passed out on accident. no one caught me and i woke up around 8 am. i had an orientation at school at 10 and i had no idea where it was from my place. also i had all my shit sitting there with me and i couldnt carry it with me. the office at the place did not open until 10:30. everything was shitting on me, but i found this nice lady who cleans up at my place and we worked out a place to hide all my crap while i went to try and find the school and convert some money. so i left and asked this guy at a gas station.

Change the blog to I like your mustache lady

Hey girl I see you grew out your mustache. Hey girl I see you grew out your eyebrows. Hey girl I see you grew a treasure trail. Hey girl I see you grew out your pit hairs. Hey girl did you grow a penis cause I still think your butt look good in dem jeans

change the blog to screaming babies on tanks

basically what china is in a nutshell, screaming bald babies riding on tanks. other than that its just another place. ever since I got here I have been wondering why the hell no one cares that there are just babies mostly naked riding tiny little tanks, and today I found the first chinese person I have seen that speaks english. the person told me its because you cant do anything about a baby on a tank, if you try to take it away or make the baby stop screaming than you get shot by a fucking baby riding a tank.

change the blog title to dum dum dum dum dum

all the ways to say it, we have pretty much said nothing that actually incriminates any of us. like  some sort of crime deal, there is no incriminating evidence that incriminates anyone since we have said nothing, absolutely nothing that means anything to anyone other than ourselves. so I plead the fifth or some shit, call my lawyer.
I plead the bijo and the wine, china has been kind with the bijo and the wine. they have been cruel with the poorly alcoholed beers but we drank them until they worked. I respect the that.

on a conveyor belt

under the sea under the sea under the sea inside of a building

this fish is funny

silly dorky fish that hangs out with the sea turtles.

this is gross

scuba scuba scuba scuba

this guy swam over our heads with a tube. after i took this video i watched a big eel swim up to his legs. i wondered whether or not he noticed.

giant bowling pin

this is a giant bowling pin, it is beautiful. this line of buildings use to be the center for all that was beautiful, hip, bangin, fad, fun and bowlin'. its lights shown for far and for wide, attrracting all the beautiful emotionless saps from all around.
short fat men with bright red noses of drunk would gaze onto the young beauties and oogle them, tearing their clothes off behind their emotionless eyes. the youth would smoke cigarettes and stay up late bowling till the sun came up.  bijo they did it.

sam, pretty colors

i stared at this for awhile. hope you do too.

sam, what a tease

so this is what i initially thought the aquarium was going to be like. i was hoping i would be like that happy white family in the corner: great white sharks, mermaids, smiling. i was all like "this will totally be worth the 14$ i paid for admission." and jake was like "totally." unfortunately there was not any of these things: sharks, mermaids, smiling, white people. all were missing on the day that we decided to go.

miss this squirt

Change the blog to dragon juice

This bottle of juice is what Sam and me drink to go blind and watch Bruce lee movies. It cost 90 cents. And taste like fire. 56% bijo. I find it to be the reason sam always takes off his clothes here, and tries to fight every little chinese girl that doesn't smile at him.

throw back

change the blog title to happy-go-lucky-wank-pad

1.) take mat down from the wall
2.) lay it somewhere nice, somewhere you feel comfortable
3.) drop your draws and sit your bare ass down on the mat (if your feeling ambitious remove all of your clothes).
4.) remove the magic feather that comes with every happy-go-lucky-wank-pad
5.) utilize the feather as you see fit. with practice maximal pleasure may be achieved. the first time may be tricky, but practice makes perfect.

sam, look at this little devil

gosh that is one magically delicious little dragon. i want to kiss it all over its big fat mouth. i want to scoop it up and carry it somewhere to drape its little legs over the front of. i could do it over the side of my coffee table so we can talk while i eat stuff. i could plop it over a chair so that we could have a tea party. i could drape it over the middle shelf of my fridge so that i have a pleasant surprise every time i have the urge to snack.

sam, sitting on his fat white ass

this city farts charcoal and burps up sewage. walking along, it rubs its putrid excrement across your face. its ok though, because china makes up for it with its obsession with making everything cute. you smell shit stink and see a little dragon with its tongue out. you step in a pile of throw up and see rosy red cheeks of a little chinese boy.

the chubby cheeks of all the children refuse to not shine rosy red. winter gives them no choice but to look like the cutest thing you have ever seen. oddly following all of these cheek pinchingly adorable cuties is for the most part an ugly beast of a person. i did not imagine the immensity of ugly people that would be in china.

its odd that every single beautiful child will inevitably have to face the ugly monster and sadly most of them will lose to it. the rest of them will look at me with disgust and wonder how the ugly monster could beat someone so badly into the ground.

change the blog title to dumpling nap

walking around in a big world of non-communication. from time to time one is forced to stumble into what for me is a sort of gut-wrenching mis-communication. everywhere you look there is a whole different language walking around isolating you and emphasizing you. without pointing at a car i am unable to communicate what a car is.

there are people and a lot of them, but they are not there for me in any sort of practical way. i cannot ask for directions or talk about the weather. regularly i would avoid doing those things anyway, but now that they are entirely inaccessible i feel a longing... not!!! it is just fishy. swimming in a sea full of fish that wriggle their fins to an entirely different tune. thankfully our fins can square dance to some degree so that we can negotiate minor transactions.

Trivia in a room full of people that dot know the Capitol of Alaska

That's a real thing. Anywho we are sitting at an Irish bar for ex-pats that work here at the international schools, all the teams except one couldn't answer the question "name the largest city in Alaska" and that is kind of ridiculous to me. The other night people couldn't name the president that was famous for saying "I am not a crook." anywho apparently everyone hates America and has no clue about its most basic information. I think if you are going to hate something, than you should know your enemy.
Other than the hot waitress and tequila shots I didn't enjoy the people tonight. Luckily hot waitresses and tequila shots make or an awesome night on their own.

Change the blog title to stand up shit down

We were going to go to this fancy food joint but the man at the door just stood in out way pointing at the fancy cars and yelling in Chinese, we figured he was saying since we don't also have fancy cars we were not aloud in there. Sam stole a plate of food and we ran away.

a night out on the town.

sam and I went out on the town.. we went out and made the best of it, walked from our house to the subway and took a long trip into the wonderful and expensive area where Americans and ex-pats are welcome. first we walked around through the neighborhoods, than we finally found the place I was looking for well trying to look like I knew where I was going until than where I actually know where we were. there is a great dvd store I know of and that is my land mark, we went there and looked around only to find nothing we were looking for, so next I took sam through the store to find a door in the back of the dvd joint and from there you are in the biggest market of bootleg clothing in Beijing, we weren't in the market for clothes so we aimlessly went up four escalators to where the food is, we ate it and enjoyed ourselves.

next we left and walked our self around trying to find this ex-pat coffee/book joint where people that speak English hang out and drink beer and coffee. when we get there there is some annoying loud and outgoing english dude trying to get us to play some trivia, we say yes and order drinks, well waiting we get some silly hollenders to walk over and ask us if we want to join there team cause they are also a small group of two. long story short we sit with them for three rounds when they leave, we try one more round and don't do very and sneak out the door asap.

so shit seems boring but take into mind that we are wandering through beijing, next as we were planning on leaving we see a strange chinese bar called rock and roll or something, we go inside and sit down to order drinks.. next some shit happens.. we start betting on t.v track and field. I win a bit and sam looses a bit. next a women walks on stage, she is beautiful and has a wonderful voice, next sam shits in a stand up shit down toilet cause I said he should do it and take pictures. he did. we drank a ton and when we left got ripped off on the bill. that is the end of my story cause the rest was a gnarly set of cabs, they were boring in words and exciting in experience.. heres the fun part.....